Yesterday someone who is like a brother to me hung up on me.
It was right after I said “get this: did you know I can put myself into orgasm just by stroking my third eye a few times? How cool is that!”
We had been discussing his recent separation from his partner because it has been 6 weeks since she’s seen him.
“What kind of relationship is it if her anxiety keeps her from being able to communicate in my love language?”
I noticed a judgement arise: he’s focusing on what he can get from the relationship rather than what he can give.
My own penchant for considering what can I give rather than what can I get was revealing itself.
And of course, considering one without the other is unbalanced and unhealthy. Opposite poles, both equally dysfunctional.
Most people lean towards one or the other, and need to be mindful to stay in the center.
Anyhow, I released the judgement and talked about my focus on meeting my own needs even more fully; my personal commitment to being a sovereign investor.
So that I’m never in a position of asking another to meet a ‘need.’ I’m asking them to meet my ‘desires’ because I’ve already taken care of my ‘needs’.
And for me, there’s a big difference in that approach. Neediness creates a sense of desperation and not just that, but resentment if the other person isn’t able to show up for me.
And let’s be honest, that happens regularly. People have their own stuff going on. My preference is not to feel let down. I don’t desire that experience for myself.
So my approach is I meet my own needs, and if someone WANTS to show up, they can. I feel grateful when they do. And I invest in the relationships with the people that do.
The challenge in that is that a lot of people show up and contribute based on the experience of feeling needed. It gives them a sense of purpose.
Back when I did the whole unbalanced giver thing, that’s what motivated me. I felt needed. And I liked that. But after directing my attention and focus to cleaning up my codependency patterns, being needed no longer felt desirable.
So I suppose if someone doesn’t show up because they don’t feel needed, well that in itself is an effective indicator of lack of relating alignment.
I desire to be in relationship with those who are also able to self source and meet their own needs.
This comes back to what deb and I were discussing on an episode of enLIGHTen UP: true adulting is about learning to take 100% responsibility for ourselves.
So by this criteria, it makes perfect sense for him to leave. That’s him taking responsibility for creating the experience he wants in his life: physical touch.
His current paradigm doesn’t see self touch as a perfectly valid way to meet that need. He’d rather it come from another. Fair enough.
Conversations with this brother continue to remind me of a deeply held knowing: there is sameness in every difference.