Welcome to another episode of Divya’s discoveries. This is going to be my last little dose of mentoring for you excellence program peeps before the holiday break. So I hope you enjoy it.
My question for you this week, what would compel someone to walk home in the rain with a sprained ankle carrying a heavy box and an umbrella?
The answer in my case was fear.
Fear of asking. Fear of imposing. Fear that if I asked someone for a ride, it would be out of their way and they wouldn’t be honest with me. That they would say yes and then kind of be resentful for having been asked rather than honestly say, “Oh, sorry, I can’t. I’ve got somewhere else to be,” or ” It’s not convenient for me.” And it was interesting for me to have this insight- this realization.
Can you picture me? I walk home from my weekly business meeting normally- home to the office- they’re across the street, but that’s a regular experience for me. But with the sprained ankle and in the rain and carrying a Kris Kringle box as well as a box of printing that I had picked up, trying to carry an umbrella at the same time, walking home thinking, “Geez, this wasn’t so clever. How did I come up with this?”
Reflecting on that experience, I found the subtle story. The subtle story was, well I don’t really want to ask someone because you know what if they don’t want to but then just say yes out of nicety? So of course that’s the fear. If I’m not trusting the other person to share honestly and authentically their experience to say yes congruently or no congruently, then that reveals some aspect of my life where I’m not being fully honest.
And in reflecting on that, I found this space where I wasn’t fully sharing with someone my truth but was kind of more catering to hers in this particular context.
I had in my experience been quite generous with this person when she was struggling. She was not in a very good head space and I felt like it would be totally misaligned if I didn’t offer her something to support her during that time. And I knew that, well, she said she didn’t have the resources to fund that and I recognized that and said, “That’s fine. I know you’ll pay me when you can.”
And then I discovered that she had been investing in somebody else’s services, paying them rather than honoring this debt that had been accruing or holding for several months that I had just sort of let slide until she’s ready to pay it. And I noticed myself feeling hurt by that. Of course the hurt was the story around, “She values this persons services more than mine. So she’s investing in them.” That’s where the hurt was coming from.
It was noticing that story. I noticed that story and I remembered how priceless it is for someone to see us struggling and support us to say, “I’m here for you and I can afford this investment in you.” And to do that graciously and generously. And I recognized that in me and I released the hurt and had a centered honest conversation with her.
I had coffee with her and I said, look, I’ve realized this and this is how I felt when I heard that she was investing in one of my colleagues services. And she said, “I completely get how you could have felt that way and I’m really sorry.”
And ultimately it was my colleagues being firm about, well, my program is this valuable. So if you want this, this is what you’ll fund. So her story around that versus my willingness to say all just, “I’ll let it slide until you’re ready.” Noticing the difference in our stories created those different outcomes.
My colleague didn’t buy into that story of “I don’t have the money,” whereas I had. So I had created that experience for myself. How beautiful that we could share- that I took time to have that conversation and to say this is the story that I had been telling and this is what I felt and I wanted to share this with you and what can we do moving forward?
And because that conversation happened in a grounded, clean and centered space- where there was no attachment to an outcome, just an exploration of this is how I feel and there was no energy around it- she was able to say, “Oh yeah, I totally get that,” rather than fear coming up or any other stories, it was just, “Yeah, I appreciate that. Okay, I’ll find a way. I’ll find a way to prioritize this.”
So my invitation for you this week is to have a look at where your not trusting other people. If you’re not trusting them to show up or to be punctual or to be honest, or whatever it is. If you’re not trusting them to consider your needs, reflect that on self, because there will be some element where you’re not doing that for you.
So have a look and see what you find.
Have an epic week and I will speak to you when we’re back from holidays.